stuart midgley

There’s no getting away from it. The protuberance above the hips and below the chest is, sadly, not getting smaller. It was - in the second half of last year it shrank considerably. The last three months it’s not changed at all. It has to go.

To that end I put on a dust mask and delved into the far end of my father’s garage yesterday afternoon, trusting to a vague memory I had of once having owned a push-bike. A few hours and several metres later it appeared - dusty, ever so slightly rusty and not a little perished. But there it was, my faithful steed, bought with the proceeds of a forced redundancy payout from a truck-driving job ten years ago, at the ripe old age of 20. (God bless the Qantas branch of the Transport Worker’s Union.)

A quick assessment showed perished tyres and tubes, a barely working rear light, dry cogs and gears and a helmet whose inner lining had decayed to the point where a heavy shower of rotted foam rained down upon my shoulders every time I took a step. It was clearly time for an overhaul.

I wandered into Ron Bates Cycles at Hurstville and asked for some chain grease and tyres, little realising how I had just betrayed my age to the 16 year old behind the counter. Apparently chain grease was replaced by aerosol teflon compound years ago and my old tyres are worthy of inclusion in a museum.

So, having got that out of the way, I took home a new pair of Michelin road tyres (narrower for less rolling resistance) and the aforementioned can of aerosol.

The aerosol I can handle but, never having actually changed a bike tyre before, a good 30 minutes of swearing and sweating followed. However, I now know how to insert an inner tube, how to get a tyre onto a rim and how to get it all off again when you realise that the inner tube isn’t seated properly after all. At least I was careful enough to get the tyres on the right way for their rolling direction.

Next I attached the new lights. It’s amazing how much lights have improved in the last ten years. My old 3-LED rear light cost $80 in 1999 and has about the brightness of three candles. The one I bought today cost $40 and should be visible from the International Space Station.

With a copious squirt of teflon spray it was time for a test tide.

Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Enough said.

Post test ride it was obvious that the blizzard of decaying foam from the old helmet was not bearable so another visit to the bike shop secured a new helmet, a puncture repair kit and a bag to carry it in.

Finally, it’s all done and the bike is fit for daily riding again. If only I was…